Wednesday, January 10, 2007

"treat me like a fool...."

.... "treat me mean & cruel, but love me".

i have been on hiatus for many weeks, ok months, not sure this avenue of expression was a worthy cause any longer. however, this week a casual friend of mind posted something that inspired me to pick up the pen again & reminded me of the demise of 1 of my boyhood idols. ok, ok, OK.... he's still my idol & i want to pass, then pass away just like he did, just as a king should- on a throne (or sorts)!

this week was all about "the king" for me. we celebrated elvis turning 72, & we remember the infamous meeting with president nixon in the oval office ("e" forgot to check his silver-plated revolver at the door that day.... anyone could have made the same mistake). growing up i always felt as if i could vicariously experience what he must have been feeling. not the celebrity or accolades or adoration, but the internal struggles he faced- his demons. for whatever strange sense of kinship i felt, i really believed that if i had been part of the posse, the entourage, the "memphis mafia".... i could have, i would have, saved his life.

i guess at some point in our lives we all relate to someone of celebrity stature & believe they would relate just as much to us had they just been given the chance to know us.... then we grow up & put the bong on the shelf.

happy new year "e" (wherever you are).... "break my faithful heart, tear it all apart, but love me".

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

"they say it's your birthday...."

".... happy birthday to you"- "little sister".

we have grown so far apart since our parents divorced & pasted away. i remember how close we were as kids. even during the little fights that all siblings have, we never gave up on each other. i remember how you would look up to me to be your big brother, guardian hero, & how i insisted on protecting my little sister, her honor, & keeping her from harm's way. i miss those feelings of caring dependency. in my world today, everyone close to me just seems to want what i can give them, not wanting me for me.

i miss you & i'm sorry time has watched us drift apart.... you will always be my little sister to protect.

".... i'm glad it's your birthday, happy birthday to you!"

Thursday, July 20, 2006

"don't cry daddy, please don't cry...."

yesterday was the 4th anniversary of my father's death. i can't remember what i've published in prior blogs, but my dad & me were estranged.... he divorced my mom when i was 16 & i blamed him totally- from him, no talk, no phone call, just a brief note basically saying "i'm out of here". materially, he left me $500 & a kiss-my-ass will.... or his 2nd family did. whatever

last night, i cried for about an hour or so. then i prayed, i prayed that he would know i forgive him, but moreover, i prayed that he would forgive me.

i love you daddy.... see you on the other side.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

to everything a season....

.... turn, turn, turn- & then a page. the birth-right ritual of celebrating one's first breath & slap on the face (or in this case, bum) seems less important this year than in those past. i fear complacency has set in, which speaks volumes. do as i say, not as i do.... celebrate every day as your first,

.... & your last.

.... put another dime in the jukebox, baby!

Thursday, April 06, 2006

pink floyd was so 70's & so clueless: "money,....

.... get away. get a good job with good pay and you're okay." yeah, right. whatever. yet they managed to get 1 lyric right.... "money, it's a hit. don't give me that do goody good bullshit."

the only thing i've really learned about work & money over the years is that there always seems to be too much of one & too little of the other- you guess which is which. i know, so irritatingly cliche. find something else to complain about you loser. ok, time. cost too much & too little of it. peace. too ambiguous & seemingly impossible to fulfill.!!!! money. i would so love to exist for a day without that universally accepted vehicle for commerce. not uttered. not seen. not used. so much strife over it. always, forever & a day. whatever.

"money, so they say, is the root of all evil today. but if you ask for a raise it's no surprise that they're giving none away.".... hey buddy, spare a grand.

p.s. i'm sorry. please forgive me & allow me to offer a more pleasant ending. let's go back a decade when life moved at a slower pace. remember the beatles! remember their tribute to the tax man...."should five percent appear too small, be thankful I don't take it all, cause i'm the tax man".

there. if you are like me, moving into the 2nd week of april without having yet completed your federal income tax return, you should feel much better now. 5% my ass. losers!

p.s.s. my apologies. i beg your indulgence while i attempt to "redeem my soul, & fly". let's go back yet another decade to much simpler times. shall we? we shall. remember elvis! remember his tribute to the promise- if i can dream (yes, he & mlkj were tight).... "if i can dream of a better land, where all my brothers walk hand in hand, tell me why, oh why, oh why can't my dream come true. there must be peace and understanding sometime, strong winds of promise that will blow away all the doubt and fear. if I can dream of a warmer sun, where hope keeps shining on everyone tell me why, oh why, oh why won't that sun appear."

there. if you are like me, & you can't sleep long enough to dream anything because you are consumed with worry about money & taxes, you should feel better now. stupid fried-peanut-butter-&-banana-sandwich-eating loser!

money. whatever. money.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

are these people for real?....

.... i selfishly refuse to believe otherwise. quite by accident, on those pathetic evenings abroad, i sometimes wonder the tablets of other bloggers minds. again without premeditation or intent (& yes i "plead the 5th"), i have encountered a rare few that are charming- & british!!! one i find most fascinating is an american literally inundated in our "motherland's" education & period experience. touting irish descent, i so envy the proximity to the emerald isle calling me home.

i often wonder (well, 'often' may to a bit of a stretch, but the word just fell smartly off the key board) what it would be like to have the capacity to sort of live a virtual life based on some of these mind releases. what would happen if co-existing with, just for example of course, the enchanting american "LOST" in the united kingdom was positively overwhelming- sensory, intellectual, & emotional meltdown. then, consider what if.... what if not? one could vicariously live multiple, concurrent existences then to cherish each moment as if another birth. let's call it 'immortality for a day', shall we. ok, we shall.

geez, dude, get a freeking grip! "houston, we have a problem".... too many viewings of fantasia for this cosmonaut! i think i'll just go out back & spit in the yard- same thing. virtual life my ass. no, these people only exist in cyberspace. ok, i'm back.... or am i?

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

big boys don't cry, big boys don't cry, big boys don't cry....

.... or do they? i typically resist those witchy-woman type emails that are the electronic equivalent of the old "chain letter", but i received one from a friend today that was so remarkably timely, i thought i would break tradition (& common sense for most non-3rd world countries) & post it:

"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. So send this to all of your friends (and me) in the next 5 minutes and a miracle will happen tonight."

The words that struck a highly exposed, ultra-sensitive, freakishly feminine nerve were.... "You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love".... for me, it was a night re-lived.... last night in fact.

So, do big boys cry?.... or maybe a better question is: when do you actually become a boy too big to cry?